Fire and Fury! I have eaten smoke from the very mouth of cannons, Sir

Had a great rehearsal today. Lots of energy, lines coming more or less when I needed them to and a very funny scene involving a Mexican stand-off with a pair of flint-lock pistols. I am now very much looking forward to performing and, by jove, it's less than a week before curtain up. Not that we'll have any actual curtains because it's an outdoor performance but hey ho!

What else has been happening? I've got back into contact with some old friends who I used to really enjoy spending time with so that's lovely. Whether we'll actually manage to stay in touch for any appreciable amount of time is a matter of some conjecture but hope springs eternal. I have also received rather a large amount of money from one of my Grandfathers so it looks as though my dream of a shiny new Apple IMac may well become a reality. Goodness, life is good.

Today The Sparrow and Red are throwing a lovely tea party in the garden of Spak's work in Lewes and the weather seems to be gearing up nicely for the occasion. Warm and sunny without being oppressive. I wish I was there but I have a battle to wage come tomorrow morning, fighting my way through the thicket of my store room to ascertain just what I'm going to bring with me to Birmingham. More letters from the front line follow shortly.

PS- Someone bid on Charlie in Ebay. How exciting!

Sugar High

I'm surfing a wave of glucose-related chemical imbalances. My fingers trip over the keyboard like a stampede of wildebeest who've drunken too much coffee. I am flying on wings spun from candy floss, I am pogoing around on a stick of Brighton rock. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in five weeks - I've eaten chocolate. The richest, most fattening, to die for chocolate I have ever had the immense satisfaction to stuff into my cakehole.

The problem is my body can't handle it, my legs won't stay still, I've got a head ache, my jaw hurts, my teeth are jangling around my head, humming and blurring like xylophone keys. It's safe to say I'll be back on the old GI diet tomorrow. Oh yes, ain't nothing but brown rice and oat cakes for this little space cadet from now on.

We went to such a posh restaurant this evening. The kind of place where the chef has certificates of excellence covering every wall. How could I refuse a dessert in a place like that? I'm only human after all.

What else, what else? Oh yes, above is a picture of Father Troubadour taking the air in my new flat. Notice his faintly effeminate gait, notice the funky up lighter on the wall, notice my cool double doors. Incidentally I like the idea of giving all my friends and family faintly ridiculous pseudonyms. Red's taken to it like a duck to water, even I'm having trouble deciphering what and who she's talking about. Still she's hilarious with it, so who am I to complain?

Spent the day on Ebay. Fancy a lovely scooter? Then click below.

My lovely scooter, Charlie

Other than that, I've a smile on my face for the whole human race and everything's coming up roses. G'night, my imaginary readers, sweet dreams.

(What do imaginary people dream of? Maybe it's reality, maybe pretend people dream us into existence?)

Scorcher...

Good grief, it's hot today. I wish I didn't have to visit all my jobs.... I wish I hadn't had to get up at six this morning....

blah, blah. Of course, it could be much worse.
For example, I've already had a nice cold footbath with rose petals and essential oil. Can't complain there.
My tutor read my cobbled-together chapter and liked it. She wants to read more of my stuff, and has given me another month to show her more. Equally good. (as a footbath? What?)

And, best of all, tomorrow is my best friend's birthday party on Brighton Beach. I'm really looking forward to spending some quality time with her- what with her going back to Rome, and me up and down the country like a yo-yo, I haven't seen her that much, and when I do, it always reminds me of how much I like her. Same with all my friends, I suppose. It's nice to get to a stage in one's development where you no longer feel obligated to mooch around with people you don't especially click with, simply because they are part of your extended social circle. It makes for much more stimulating evenings. Speaking of which, Spak (Wide's sister) and AAAh! (her bezza) are coming also. Fantastic. The next day we shall repair to Lewes to partake of a cream tea. I have offered to bake scones. Bwahaha... Little do they know what they have let themselves in for! (Actually, baking in 35F+ temperatures probably won't be all that much fun, but, c'est la vie...)

incidentally, poor old Lard is not coping too well at Glastonbury. Never eat the 'skank-burgers' my dear. It's just not worth the risk..... I do hope she gets back in one piece. Maybe she'll have dreads? I did, once......

Aw, look at moi chaap down thaar...
Don't ee' just look 'appy in front of 'ee big 'ouse?

Apologies for the vernacular. It's a hangover from speaking to someone last night at my job (the peon of evil one). the conversation went something along these lines:

Me: Hello, can I speak to Mr Bloggs?
Bloke: No, ee's bailin'.
Me: Bailin?
Bloke: Yur, bailin ay, with ee nuncle.
Me: Does he have a mobile number I could try?
Bloke: Well, ee did 'ave, but ee draawped et in ay trough.
Me: A trough?
Bloke: Yur, et were full o waar-er an shoite.
Me: Oh dear.
Bloke: They don't wurk too well underwater, loike....
Me: Right. Sorry... I'll try back later...

I suppose that's a valid excuse, my dad dropped his phone off a roof once. Still works, though....
For the rest of the evening I felt all D.H Lawrence-y.

Right!
Back to the grindstone....

In the Middle of Our Street ...

This is my new house. It is an old Victorian conversion and it rocks, not to put too fine a point on it. Open plan kitchen, bright, spacious and oh so modern, daaaaaaaaarling! It even has a lovely corner bath and double shower cubicle. I can almost hear Red giggling in the distance. Gosh, I'm so cosmopolitan.

Butterflies....

Usually, these are a good thing. In this context though, (namely, the day before meeting my supervisor to discuss my supreme lack of progress) they are not.
I've read numerous articles, books, poems and critical clap-trap over the past two weeks and enjoyed the vast majority. However, actually putting anything with an element of coherence down proves more and more difficult the more I read. Gadzooks. I have fallen into the classic 'research' bind.

Previously I was worried that Wide and I would just tumble along in a state of apathetic existence, the presence of the other allowing for corners to be cut. At least for him, now, with his wonderful success (hooray!) that's not really problematic. Whereas for me, I'm running out of excuses not to be doing things. It's an excellent opportunity I have in front of me: the chance to make something incisive and enlightening about literature- but with so much information, I hardly know where to start. It's a veritable Gordian knot, and I have yet to find which end to pull to unravel the whole thing.

In the meantime, I'm content to immerse myself in the sugary and preservative syrup of relationships and poetry... Almost becoming the 'tethered cow' that I'm writing about.
Snap out of it, girl....

Which is pretty much what everyone- (Wide, M&D, Snapper and Studded, Lard and Hopeful) have been saying. If I worked as much as I worry about working, I'd be fine... gah.
So!
Now, I think I'll go and do just that.

In Praise of my Dad

This entry is only going to make any kind of sense to people who a) know my Dad and b) know Dr Who but for that extremely select demographic I am proud to present

Episode 1 - What if the Doctor regenerated into my Dad?

SC1. INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM - NIGHT

[CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON’S DOCTOR HAS JUST REGENERATED INTO MY DAD. ROSE STANDS A FEW STEPS AWAY AND DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.]

DOCTOR:
Hello. (MAKES A SILLY FACE AND ADJUSTS HIS GLASSES) Sorry about that, young Rose, I have to get used to these glasses. (BEAT) Where did these glasses come from anyway? (LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM WILDLY) It must be about time for a cup of tea.

ROSE:
Doctor? What’s happened to you?

DOCTOR:
I’ve changed. The time vortex destroyed my former body and so I grew this new one. Jolly inconvenient if you ask me, which you didn’t. Yes, nasty things time vortexes- this is why I never open the sun roof while we’re travelling.

ROSE:
It’s like you’re a completely different person.

DOCTOR:
(SUDDENLY BURSTING INTO SONG) Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger … (TO HIMSELF) Voice in a million. Now which button makes the tea?

ROSE:
Can’t you remember?

DOCTOR:
(LOOKING AT THE CONSOLE) Well I know which button turns it on. I learnt that last week, it’s the big red one. (PRESSES BIG RED BUTTON AND HALF THE CONSOLE EXPLODES) Hmm, perhaps I better look at the instructions. I never was very good with computers.

[THE DOCTOR EXITS THE ROOM THROUGH AN INTERIOR DOOR. ROSE FETCHES A FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND BEGINS TO GET SOME OF THE SMALLER FIRES UNDER CONTROL. THE DOCTOR RE-ENTERS READING THE TARDIS INSTRUCTION MANUAL. HE HAS TAKEN OFF THE COOL LEATHER JACKET AND NOW WEARS A NICE DIAMOND PATTERN JUMPER, SENSIBLE TROUSERS AND SOME DORKY SHOES]

DOCTOR:
Now where did I put my sonic screwdriver? Oh, I remember, in my shed.
[HE WALKS OVER TO A SMALL WOODEN BUILDING IN A CORNER OF THE CONSOLE ROOM WE’VE NEVER NOTICED BEFORE AND GOES INSIDE]

DOCTOR:
(O.O.V) Would you like a Cornetto, Madam?

ROSE:
(CONFUSED) Er … yeah, all right.

DOCTOR:
(STICKING HIS HEAD OUT THE SHED) What’s the magic word?

ROSE:
Please.

DOCTOR:
Here you are. I can’t find the sonic screwdriver but I’ve found my sonic shoe polish and my sonic bicycle pump.

ROSE:
Is that gonna help us at all?

DOCTOR:
Not especially. Your legs go up a long way, don’t they?

ROSE:
I guess so.

DOCTOR:
You should put some more clothes on. You’ll get chilly.

ROSE:
Well it’s your fault, you should have set the heating to come on earlier. Get it nice and warm.

DOCTOR:
Well, I’ll jolly well do that now. (WALKING OVER TO THE CONSOLE) Don’t worry, I’ve had lots of experience at programming the heating.(HE PRESSES A SERIES OF BUTTONS AND THE OTHER HALF OF THE CONSOLE EXPLODES) Oh damn double bitch pig. (THE DOCTOR LOOKS SLIGHTLY EXCITED TO HAVE SAID SUCH NAUGHTY WORDS, HE BEGINS TO TITTER BEHIND HIS HAND) Tee hee, tee hee.

ROSE:
Doctor, what the HELL are you doing?

DOCTOR:
Now, now young lady, you go wash your mouth out with soap and water. We don’t want that kind of naughtiness round here, do we? Oh no.

ROSE:
Excuse me?

DOCTOR:
Yes you may but be quick and wash your hands. That was a good one, wasn’t it? Ha ha, jolly funny if you ask me.

ROSE:
Which I didn’t.

DOCTOR:
Which you didn’t. Would you like to have a go at driving the TARDIS?

ROSE:
What … like steering it?

DOCTOR:
Yus.

ROSE:
Yeah, okay, what do I do?

[THE DOCTOR PRESSES SOME BUTTONS AND A STEERING WHEEL EXTENDS FROM THE CONSOLE]

DOCTOR:
Have a go. It’s like driving a car – except a billion times more complicated and a trillion times more dangerous. Oh and if you crash you could destroy all life in the universe as we know it.

ROSE:
Aren’t you a bit worried?

DOCTOR:
Of course not, I’ve got the jolly old dual controls.

[HE PRESSES A BUTTON AND A SECOND CONSOLE RISES UP NEXT TO HIM. HE SWITCHES ON THE VIEW SCREEN AS ROSE TAKES HER PLACE BEHIND THE WHEEL.]

DOCTOR:
Alright then, Miss Tyler. If you could ease the TARDIS into first and just accelerate a little bit to get a feeling for the controls. (BEAT) That’s good. (BEAT) That’s very good. Now we are heading straight for that planet at a rate of about five times the speed of light so you might want to turn left. Any time you’re ready. Left. No, the other left. Rose. Watch out for that spaceship. Look, I really think I better take over.

CUT TO:

SC2. EXT. SPACE - NIGHT

[WE SEE THE TARDIS HEADING STRAIGHT FOR A HEAVILY ARMED BATTLE CRUISER, AT THE LAST MOMENT IT STOPS, EXECUTES A SMART THREE POINT TURN AND REVERSES INTO A PARKING POSITION]

SC3. INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM - DAY

[THE DOCTOR LOOKS UP FROM HIS CONSOLE AND CLAPS HIS HANDS IN A SATISFIED MANNER]

DOCTOR:
Well, that took care of that. I’m afraid that was a major fault, young Rose. You’ll never get your 4th dimensional driver’s license at this rate. Right, let’s see wants on this jolly old battle cruiser.

SC4. INT. BATTLE CRUISER FLIGHT DECK - DAY

[THE TARDIS MATERIALISES IN A LARGE ROOM FILLED WITH COMPLEX MACHINERY AND POWERFUL COMPUTERS. THE DOCTOR AND ROSE OPEN THE DOOR AND STEP OUTSIDE]

DOCTOR:
Oh, I say, look at all these flashing lights. It’s just like Christmas.

ROSE:
What is this place, Doctor?

DOCTOR:
Well from the sound of the engines and the type of technology on display, I’d say we’re on the flight deck of a Type-5 Dalek Battle Cruiser with hyperspace capabilities.

ROSE:
Wow, I see you’re as impressive as ever.

DOCTOR:
And there’s that sign of course.

[HE POINTS TO A SIGN WHICH READS: TYPE-5 DALEK BATTLE CRUISER FLIGHT DECK (NOW WITH ADDED HYPERSPACE CAPABILITIES)]

DOCTOR:
That helped as well, you understand.

ROSE:
Wait a minute, did you say DALEK battle cruiser?

DOCTOR:
I did indeed, Miss Muffet.

ROSE:
Well, doesn’t that mean there’s going to be some …

DOCTOR:
Some what? Daleks? I shouldn’t think so. These ships pretty much run themselves. Modern technology, eh? I don’t really understand it but …

DALEK:
(O.O.V) EXTERMINATE!

DOCTOR:
What was that?

ROSE:
One of your non-existent Daleks.

DOCTOR:
I suppose if I’d thought about it, they’d still need one or two on the ship. Just to do essential jobs like making the tea and the hoovering. Actually it was only recently that humans realised Daleks could hoover. (BEAT) Or was that hover?

[SUDDENLY A DALEK COMES INTO VIEW AND FIRES ITS LASER AT THE DOCTOR, HE DUCKS AND A TELEVISION SCREEN EXPLODES ABOVE HIS HEAD]

DALEK:
EXTERMINATE!

DOCTOR:
You always say that. (TO ROSE) It’ll be nice having dry towels again, do you think we can cope?

ROSE:
What?

DOCTOR:
It’s just that when you get old and senile you tend to say the same things over and over again.

DALEK:
EXTERMINATE!

DOCTOR:
Exactly. (TO DALEK) Hello, old chap, I’m the Doctor and this is my friend, Rose.

DALEK:
You are the Doctor, you are the enemy of the Daleks. Exterminate, EXTERMINATE.

DOCTOR:
I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Baldroubadour.

DALEK:
Does not compute, does not compute.

DOCTOR:
(OFFERING A CRUMBLED PAPER BAG) Would you like a jelly baby? The only thing is I do tend to find they spoil my appetite.

DALEK:
Makes no sense. Error, error, initiating torture ray.

[A BEAM OF ENERGY BURSTS FROM THE DALEK’S GUN, IT ENCOMPASSES THE DOCTOR AND HE SCREAMS IN PAIN]

DOCTOR:
(THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) Ahhh … I’ll be glad when I’ve had enough of this.

ROSE:
Doctor, are you alright? Is there anything I can do to help you?

DOCTOR:
(IN SOME PAIN) No, no, I’m fine really, I’m as fresh as a little daisy … that’s being tortured by a laser gun.

ROSE:
There’s got to be something I can do.

DOCTOR:
Create a distraction, when I say run, run … RUN!

[ROSE SPRINTS PAST THE DALEK WHO STOPS SHOOTING THE DOCTOR AND TURNS TO PURSUE HER, AS IT DOES SO THE DOCTOR RUNS UP BEHIND IT AND ATTACHES A LARGE YELLOW BOWL-LIKE BIB TO ITS HEAD. IT SWIVELS ITS EYE-STALK BUT CAN’T SEE ANYTHING.]

DOCTOR:
I picked that bib up for next to nothing … jolly good isn’t it?

DALEK:
Can’t compute, what is the point of the yellow item? Error, error. Danger, situation outside operational parameters.

DOCTOR:
It’s for cutting hair … not that it’ll be much use to you.

[THE DALEK EXPODES WHILE TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THE LOGIC BEHIND THE YELLOW BIB]

DOCTOR:
That’s the trouble with technology these days. It doesn’t last. I blame today’s throw away society. When I was a boy you used a TARDIS until it fell apart and even then you tried to mend it.

[THE LIGHT FALLS OFF THE TOP OF THE TARDIS AND ROLLS TO THE DOCTOR’S FEET]

DOCTOR:
I rest my case. (AS ROSE RUNS UP) Everything alright, cheeky monkey?

ROSE:
No it’s not, I’m scared and I’m tired and I feel like I’m going to burst into tears.

DOCTOR:
Well pull yourself together, you big girl’s blouse. Ha ha, that was a good ‘un. Come on.

[HE MOVES TOWARDS THE TARDIS]

ROSE:
Wait, where are you going now?

DOCTOR:
I’ve got something to show you, Rose Tyler. I promised I’d show you the universe, after all, but first I’m going to show you The Bill. We’ve missed the first ten minutes but we can always go back in time and see the beginning. Come on, hurry up, it’s the one where June runs around a bit and looks miserable.

[THE DOCTOR STRIDES INTO THE TARDIS HAPPILY, FOLLOWED BY A BEMUSED LOOKING ROSE. AFTER A FEW SECONDS THE BLUE POLICE BOX FADES FROM EXISTENCE.]

DOCTOR:
(O.O.V AS THE TARDIS FADES AWAY) It’ll be nice having dry towels again, do you think we can cope?

END OF EPISODE

Times they are a Changin'

The more observant amongst you may have noticed that I have been joined on this site by my beautiful (and let's be honest here, frighteningly talented) girlfriend. Yes, that's right - I'm not doing an MA, nor do I have a 'lovely bloke'. I have had letters about this - believe me. If you're in any doubt as to the author, simply look at the last line - I'm Wide-eyed, she's Red. We fight crime.

In other news, things are changing faster than the pants of a compulsive eater at a laxative factory.

Sorry, let's just pause for a second while I wipe that image from my memory.

Right, now where was I? I'll just read back on what I wrote previously ... Christ, I just read it again. I doubt I'll ever get laxative man out of my head now.

Moving on here is a list of changes ...

1. My Grandpoppas moved house today, my childhood environs are being taken away from me piece by piece. Sad to see the old place go but happy to see Poppas so content and in love.

2. This change needs a bit of an explanation - as I neared the end of my third year out of university I was beginning to get the feeling that perhaps I should be doing a little more with my life than cataloguing popular culture and eating my parent’s food. Perhaps, I thought to myself between mouthfuls of doughnut as Yoda gave Count Dooku a sound thrashing on the TV, I should get one of those job things I’d heard so much about from people with money. I mean even my little sister had one and I’d had a two year head start on her. With these thoughts burning like a beacon in my Sci-Fi addled brain, I resolved there and then to do something about it, I would bring the evil Empire to its knees, I would stop the insidious power of the Sith dead in its tracks, I vowed to … then I remembered I wasn’t a Jedi, put the plastic lightsaber down and went to find the Guardian Job pages.

Finding a job isn’t as easy as it sounds, not when you’re looking for a career, something you actually care about, and especially when the job of writing, producing and starring as Dr Who has already been taken (Davies, Eccleston – I’m looking at you). Nevertheless, after months of rejection, aptitude tests, interviews, plastering, call centres and murder mystery parties I finally caught a break- my good friend Mr Colin Kemp only went and e-mailed me the job of my dreams.

To cut a long story short, I applied, was short listed, interviewed and got the job. It was harder work than that sentence implies. So as of 4th July 2005 I will be Christian Aid’s Higher Education Resource Officer. I don’t know what’s cooler – that I get to write for a living (and about something I care about no less) or that that acronym for my position is HERO. Basically I get to help shape, design and write all materials pertaining to Christian Aid’s student outreach programme. It’s my job to enthuse students about key development issues whether that be writing on the Pressureworks website, print based articles or going off to universities and leading workshops. I am over the moon … and moving to Birmingham.

3. I am now no longer going to do the journalism course. Finally I know which road to choose. It has been a scary few weeks.

4. I worked in a call centre for a couple of weeks. I am now no longer doing that either.

5. I have a new theme song.

The First Exercise

My first exercise in procrastination is avoiding solidifying my ideas for what is fast becoming my opus, namely, my MA dissertation. This has mostly taken the form of:

1. Frenetic depiliation
2. Dyeing
3. Exercise
4. Seeing my lovely bloke
5. Setting up this

All of them have been fairly enjoyable.