In Praise of my Dad
This entry is only going to make any kind of sense to people who a) know my Dad and b) know Dr Who but for that extremely select demographic I am proud to present
Episode 1 - What if the Doctor regenerated into my Dad?
SC1. INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM - NIGHT
[CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON’S DOCTOR HAS JUST REGENERATED INTO MY DAD. ROSE STANDS A FEW STEPS AWAY AND DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.]
DOCTOR:
Hello. (MAKES A SILLY FACE AND ADJUSTS HIS GLASSES) Sorry about that, young Rose, I have to get used to these glasses. (BEAT) Where did these glasses come from anyway? (LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM WILDLY) It must be about time for a cup of tea.
ROSE:
Doctor? What’s happened to you?
DOCTOR:
I’ve changed. The time vortex destroyed my former body and so I grew this new one. Jolly inconvenient if you ask me, which you didn’t. Yes, nasty things time vortexes- this is why I never open the sun roof while we’re travelling.
ROSE:
It’s like you’re a completely different person.
DOCTOR:
(SUDDENLY BURSTING INTO SONG) Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger … (TO HIMSELF) Voice in a million. Now which button makes the tea?
ROSE:
Can’t you remember?
DOCTOR:
(LOOKING AT THE CONSOLE) Well I know which button turns it on. I learnt that last week, it’s the big red one. (PRESSES BIG RED BUTTON AND HALF THE CONSOLE EXPLODES) Hmm, perhaps I better look at the instructions. I never was very good with computers.
[THE DOCTOR EXITS THE ROOM THROUGH AN INTERIOR DOOR. ROSE FETCHES A FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND BEGINS TO GET SOME OF THE SMALLER FIRES UNDER CONTROL. THE DOCTOR RE-ENTERS READING THE TARDIS INSTRUCTION MANUAL. HE HAS TAKEN OFF THE COOL LEATHER JACKET AND NOW WEARS A NICE DIAMOND PATTERN JUMPER, SENSIBLE TROUSERS AND SOME DORKY SHOES]
DOCTOR:
Now where did I put my sonic screwdriver? Oh, I remember, in my shed.
[HE WALKS OVER TO A SMALL WOODEN BUILDING IN A CORNER OF THE CONSOLE ROOM WE’VE NEVER NOTICED BEFORE AND GOES INSIDE]
DOCTOR:
(O.O.V) Would you like a Cornetto, Madam?
ROSE:
(CONFUSED) Er … yeah, all right.
DOCTOR:
(STICKING HIS HEAD OUT THE SHED) What’s the magic word?
ROSE:
Please.
DOCTOR:
Here you are. I can’t find the sonic screwdriver but I’ve found my sonic shoe polish and my sonic bicycle pump.
ROSE:
Is that gonna help us at all?
DOCTOR:
Not especially. Your legs go up a long way, don’t they?
ROSE:
I guess so.
DOCTOR:
You should put some more clothes on. You’ll get chilly.
ROSE:
Well it’s your fault, you should have set the heating to come on earlier. Get it nice and warm.
DOCTOR:
Well, I’ll jolly well do that now. (WALKING OVER TO THE CONSOLE) Don’t worry, I’ve had lots of experience at programming the heating.(HE PRESSES A SERIES OF BUTTONS AND THE OTHER HALF OF THE CONSOLE EXPLODES) Oh damn double bitch pig. (THE DOCTOR LOOKS SLIGHTLY EXCITED TO HAVE SAID SUCH NAUGHTY WORDS, HE BEGINS TO TITTER BEHIND HIS HAND) Tee hee, tee hee.
ROSE:
Doctor, what the HELL are you doing?
DOCTOR:
Now, now young lady, you go wash your mouth out with soap and water. We don’t want that kind of naughtiness round here, do we? Oh no.
ROSE:
Excuse me?
DOCTOR:
Yes you may but be quick and wash your hands. That was a good one, wasn’t it? Ha ha, jolly funny if you ask me.
ROSE:
Which I didn’t.
DOCTOR:
Which you didn’t. Would you like to have a go at driving the TARDIS?
ROSE:
What … like steering it?
DOCTOR:
Yus.
ROSE:
Yeah, okay, what do I do?
[THE DOCTOR PRESSES SOME BUTTONS AND A STEERING WHEEL EXTENDS FROM THE CONSOLE]
DOCTOR:
Have a go. It’s like driving a car – except a billion times more complicated and a trillion times more dangerous. Oh and if you crash you could destroy all life in the universe as we know it.
ROSE:
Aren’t you a bit worried?
DOCTOR:
Of course not, I’ve got the jolly old dual controls.
[HE PRESSES A BUTTON AND A SECOND CONSOLE RISES UP NEXT TO HIM. HE SWITCHES ON THE VIEW SCREEN AS ROSE TAKES HER PLACE BEHIND THE WHEEL.]
DOCTOR:
Alright then, Miss Tyler. If you could ease the TARDIS into first and just accelerate a little bit to get a feeling for the controls. (BEAT) That’s good. (BEAT) That’s very good. Now we are heading straight for that planet at a rate of about five times the speed of light so you might want to turn left. Any time you’re ready. Left. No, the other left. Rose. Watch out for that spaceship. Look, I really think I better take over.
CUT TO:
SC2. EXT. SPACE - NIGHT
[WE SEE THE TARDIS HEADING STRAIGHT FOR A HEAVILY ARMED BATTLE CRUISER, AT THE LAST MOMENT IT STOPS, EXECUTES A SMART THREE POINT TURN AND REVERSES INTO A PARKING POSITION]
SC3. INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM - DAY
[THE DOCTOR LOOKS UP FROM HIS CONSOLE AND CLAPS HIS HANDS IN A SATISFIED MANNER]
DOCTOR:
Well, that took care of that. I’m afraid that was a major fault, young Rose. You’ll never get your 4th dimensional driver’s license at this rate. Right, let’s see wants on this jolly old battle cruiser.
SC4. INT. BATTLE CRUISER FLIGHT DECK - DAY
[THE TARDIS MATERIALISES IN A LARGE ROOM FILLED WITH COMPLEX MACHINERY AND POWERFUL COMPUTERS. THE DOCTOR AND ROSE OPEN THE DOOR AND STEP OUTSIDE]
DOCTOR:
Oh, I say, look at all these flashing lights. It’s just like Christmas.
ROSE:
What is this place, Doctor?
DOCTOR:
Well from the sound of the engines and the type of technology on display, I’d say we’re on the flight deck of a Type-5 Dalek Battle Cruiser with hyperspace capabilities.
ROSE:
Wow, I see you’re as impressive as ever.
DOCTOR:
And there’s that sign of course.
[HE POINTS TO A SIGN WHICH READS: TYPE-5 DALEK BATTLE CRUISER FLIGHT DECK (NOW WITH ADDED HYPERSPACE CAPABILITIES)]
DOCTOR:
That helped as well, you understand.
ROSE:
Wait a minute, did you say DALEK battle cruiser?
DOCTOR:
I did indeed, Miss Muffet.
ROSE:
Well, doesn’t that mean there’s going to be some …
DOCTOR:
Some what? Daleks? I shouldn’t think so. These ships pretty much run themselves. Modern technology, eh? I don’t really understand it but …
DALEK:
(O.O.V) EXTERMINATE!
DOCTOR:
What was that?
ROSE:
One of your non-existent Daleks.
DOCTOR:
I suppose if I’d thought about it, they’d still need one or two on the ship. Just to do essential jobs like making the tea and the hoovering. Actually it was only recently that humans realised Daleks could hoover. (BEAT) Or was that hover?
[SUDDENLY A DALEK COMES INTO VIEW AND FIRES ITS LASER AT THE DOCTOR, HE DUCKS AND A TELEVISION SCREEN EXPLODES ABOVE HIS HEAD]
DALEK:
EXTERMINATE!
DOCTOR:
You always say that. (TO ROSE) It’ll be nice having dry towels again, do you think we can cope?
ROSE:
What?
DOCTOR:
It’s just that when you get old and senile you tend to say the same things over and over again.
DALEK:
EXTERMINATE!
DOCTOR:
Exactly. (TO DALEK) Hello, old chap, I’m the Doctor and this is my friend, Rose.
DALEK:
You are the Doctor, you are the enemy of the Daleks. Exterminate, EXTERMINATE.
DOCTOR:
I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Baldroubadour.
DALEK:
Does not compute, does not compute.
DOCTOR:
(OFFERING A CRUMBLED PAPER BAG) Would you like a jelly baby? The only thing is I do tend to find they spoil my appetite.
DALEK:
Makes no sense. Error, error, initiating torture ray.
[A BEAM OF ENERGY BURSTS FROM THE DALEK’S GUN, IT ENCOMPASSES THE DOCTOR AND HE SCREAMS IN PAIN]
DOCTOR:
(THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) Ahhh … I’ll be glad when I’ve had enough of this.
ROSE:
Doctor, are you alright? Is there anything I can do to help you?
DOCTOR:
(IN SOME PAIN) No, no, I’m fine really, I’m as fresh as a little daisy … that’s being tortured by a laser gun.
ROSE:
There’s got to be something I can do.
DOCTOR:
Create a distraction, when I say run, run … RUN!
[ROSE SPRINTS PAST THE DALEK WHO STOPS SHOOTING THE DOCTOR AND TURNS TO PURSUE HER, AS IT DOES SO THE DOCTOR RUNS UP BEHIND IT AND ATTACHES A LARGE YELLOW BOWL-LIKE BIB TO ITS HEAD. IT SWIVELS ITS EYE-STALK BUT CAN’T SEE ANYTHING.]
DOCTOR:
I picked that bib up for next to nothing … jolly good isn’t it?
DALEK:
Can’t compute, what is the point of the yellow item? Error, error. Danger, situation outside operational parameters.
DOCTOR:
It’s for cutting hair … not that it’ll be much use to you.
[THE DALEK EXPODES WHILE TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THE LOGIC BEHIND THE YELLOW BIB]
DOCTOR:
That’s the trouble with technology these days. It doesn’t last. I blame today’s throw away society. When I was a boy you used a TARDIS until it fell apart and even then you tried to mend it.
[THE LIGHT FALLS OFF THE TOP OF THE TARDIS AND ROLLS TO THE DOCTOR’S FEET]
DOCTOR:
I rest my case. (AS ROSE RUNS UP) Everything alright, cheeky monkey?
ROSE:
No it’s not, I’m scared and I’m tired and I feel like I’m going to burst into tears.
DOCTOR:
Well pull yourself together, you big girl’s blouse. Ha ha, that was a good ‘un. Come on.
[HE MOVES TOWARDS THE TARDIS]
ROSE:
Wait, where are you going now?
DOCTOR:
I’ve got something to show you, Rose Tyler. I promised I’d show you the universe, after all, but first I’m going to show you The Bill. We’ve missed the first ten minutes but we can always go back in time and see the beginning. Come on, hurry up, it’s the one where June runs around a bit and looks miserable.
[THE DOCTOR STRIDES INTO THE TARDIS HAPPILY, FOLLOWED BY A BEMUSED LOOKING ROSE. AFTER A FEW SECONDS THE BLUE POLICE BOX FADES FROM EXISTENCE.]
DOCTOR:
(O.O.V AS THE TARDIS FADES AWAY) It’ll be nice having dry towels again, do you think we can cope?
END OF EPISODE
Episode 1 - What if the Doctor regenerated into my Dad?
SC1. INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM - NIGHT
[CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON’S DOCTOR HAS JUST REGENERATED INTO MY DAD. ROSE STANDS A FEW STEPS AWAY AND DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.]
DOCTOR:
Hello. (MAKES A SILLY FACE AND ADJUSTS HIS GLASSES) Sorry about that, young Rose, I have to get used to these glasses. (BEAT) Where did these glasses come from anyway? (LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM WILDLY) It must be about time for a cup of tea.
ROSE:
Doctor? What’s happened to you?
DOCTOR:
I’ve changed. The time vortex destroyed my former body and so I grew this new one. Jolly inconvenient if you ask me, which you didn’t. Yes, nasty things time vortexes- this is why I never open the sun roof while we’re travelling.
ROSE:
It’s like you’re a completely different person.
DOCTOR:
(SUDDENLY BURSTING INTO SONG) Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger … (TO HIMSELF) Voice in a million. Now which button makes the tea?
ROSE:
Can’t you remember?
DOCTOR:
(LOOKING AT THE CONSOLE) Well I know which button turns it on. I learnt that last week, it’s the big red one. (PRESSES BIG RED BUTTON AND HALF THE CONSOLE EXPLODES) Hmm, perhaps I better look at the instructions. I never was very good with computers.
[THE DOCTOR EXITS THE ROOM THROUGH AN INTERIOR DOOR. ROSE FETCHES A FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND BEGINS TO GET SOME OF THE SMALLER FIRES UNDER CONTROL. THE DOCTOR RE-ENTERS READING THE TARDIS INSTRUCTION MANUAL. HE HAS TAKEN OFF THE COOL LEATHER JACKET AND NOW WEARS A NICE DIAMOND PATTERN JUMPER, SENSIBLE TROUSERS AND SOME DORKY SHOES]
DOCTOR:
Now where did I put my sonic screwdriver? Oh, I remember, in my shed.
[HE WALKS OVER TO A SMALL WOODEN BUILDING IN A CORNER OF THE CONSOLE ROOM WE’VE NEVER NOTICED BEFORE AND GOES INSIDE]
DOCTOR:
(O.O.V) Would you like a Cornetto, Madam?
ROSE:
(CONFUSED) Er … yeah, all right.
DOCTOR:
(STICKING HIS HEAD OUT THE SHED) What’s the magic word?
ROSE:
Please.
DOCTOR:
Here you are. I can’t find the sonic screwdriver but I’ve found my sonic shoe polish and my sonic bicycle pump.
ROSE:
Is that gonna help us at all?
DOCTOR:
Not especially. Your legs go up a long way, don’t they?
ROSE:
I guess so.
DOCTOR:
You should put some more clothes on. You’ll get chilly.
ROSE:
Well it’s your fault, you should have set the heating to come on earlier. Get it nice and warm.
DOCTOR:
Well, I’ll jolly well do that now. (WALKING OVER TO THE CONSOLE) Don’t worry, I’ve had lots of experience at programming the heating.(HE PRESSES A SERIES OF BUTTONS AND THE OTHER HALF OF THE CONSOLE EXPLODES) Oh damn double bitch pig. (THE DOCTOR LOOKS SLIGHTLY EXCITED TO HAVE SAID SUCH NAUGHTY WORDS, HE BEGINS TO TITTER BEHIND HIS HAND) Tee hee, tee hee.
ROSE:
Doctor, what the HELL are you doing?
DOCTOR:
Now, now young lady, you go wash your mouth out with soap and water. We don’t want that kind of naughtiness round here, do we? Oh no.
ROSE:
Excuse me?
DOCTOR:
Yes you may but be quick and wash your hands. That was a good one, wasn’t it? Ha ha, jolly funny if you ask me.
ROSE:
Which I didn’t.
DOCTOR:
Which you didn’t. Would you like to have a go at driving the TARDIS?
ROSE:
What … like steering it?
DOCTOR:
Yus.
ROSE:
Yeah, okay, what do I do?
[THE DOCTOR PRESSES SOME BUTTONS AND A STEERING WHEEL EXTENDS FROM THE CONSOLE]
DOCTOR:
Have a go. It’s like driving a car – except a billion times more complicated and a trillion times more dangerous. Oh and if you crash you could destroy all life in the universe as we know it.
ROSE:
Aren’t you a bit worried?
DOCTOR:
Of course not, I’ve got the jolly old dual controls.
[HE PRESSES A BUTTON AND A SECOND CONSOLE RISES UP NEXT TO HIM. HE SWITCHES ON THE VIEW SCREEN AS ROSE TAKES HER PLACE BEHIND THE WHEEL.]
DOCTOR:
Alright then, Miss Tyler. If you could ease the TARDIS into first and just accelerate a little bit to get a feeling for the controls. (BEAT) That’s good. (BEAT) That’s very good. Now we are heading straight for that planet at a rate of about five times the speed of light so you might want to turn left. Any time you’re ready. Left. No, the other left. Rose. Watch out for that spaceship. Look, I really think I better take over.
CUT TO:
SC2. EXT. SPACE - NIGHT
[WE SEE THE TARDIS HEADING STRAIGHT FOR A HEAVILY ARMED BATTLE CRUISER, AT THE LAST MOMENT IT STOPS, EXECUTES A SMART THREE POINT TURN AND REVERSES INTO A PARKING POSITION]
SC3. INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM - DAY
[THE DOCTOR LOOKS UP FROM HIS CONSOLE AND CLAPS HIS HANDS IN A SATISFIED MANNER]
DOCTOR:
Well, that took care of that. I’m afraid that was a major fault, young Rose. You’ll never get your 4th dimensional driver’s license at this rate. Right, let’s see wants on this jolly old battle cruiser.
SC4. INT. BATTLE CRUISER FLIGHT DECK - DAY
[THE TARDIS MATERIALISES IN A LARGE ROOM FILLED WITH COMPLEX MACHINERY AND POWERFUL COMPUTERS. THE DOCTOR AND ROSE OPEN THE DOOR AND STEP OUTSIDE]
DOCTOR:
Oh, I say, look at all these flashing lights. It’s just like Christmas.
ROSE:
What is this place, Doctor?
DOCTOR:
Well from the sound of the engines and the type of technology on display, I’d say we’re on the flight deck of a Type-5 Dalek Battle Cruiser with hyperspace capabilities.
ROSE:
Wow, I see you’re as impressive as ever.
DOCTOR:
And there’s that sign of course.
[HE POINTS TO A SIGN WHICH READS: TYPE-5 DALEK BATTLE CRUISER FLIGHT DECK (NOW WITH ADDED HYPERSPACE CAPABILITIES)]
DOCTOR:
That helped as well, you understand.
ROSE:
Wait a minute, did you say DALEK battle cruiser?
DOCTOR:
I did indeed, Miss Muffet.
ROSE:
Well, doesn’t that mean there’s going to be some …
DOCTOR:
Some what? Daleks? I shouldn’t think so. These ships pretty much run themselves. Modern technology, eh? I don’t really understand it but …
DALEK:
(O.O.V) EXTERMINATE!
DOCTOR:
What was that?
ROSE:
One of your non-existent Daleks.
DOCTOR:
I suppose if I’d thought about it, they’d still need one or two on the ship. Just to do essential jobs like making the tea and the hoovering. Actually it was only recently that humans realised Daleks could hoover. (BEAT) Or was that hover?
[SUDDENLY A DALEK COMES INTO VIEW AND FIRES ITS LASER AT THE DOCTOR, HE DUCKS AND A TELEVISION SCREEN EXPLODES ABOVE HIS HEAD]
DALEK:
EXTERMINATE!
DOCTOR:
You always say that. (TO ROSE) It’ll be nice having dry towels again, do you think we can cope?
ROSE:
What?
DOCTOR:
It’s just that when you get old and senile you tend to say the same things over and over again.
DALEK:
EXTERMINATE!
DOCTOR:
Exactly. (TO DALEK) Hello, old chap, I’m the Doctor and this is my friend, Rose.
DALEK:
You are the Doctor, you are the enemy of the Daleks. Exterminate, EXTERMINATE.
DOCTOR:
I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Baldroubadour.
DALEK:
Does not compute, does not compute.
DOCTOR:
(OFFERING A CRUMBLED PAPER BAG) Would you like a jelly baby? The only thing is I do tend to find they spoil my appetite.
DALEK:
Makes no sense. Error, error, initiating torture ray.
[A BEAM OF ENERGY BURSTS FROM THE DALEK’S GUN, IT ENCOMPASSES THE DOCTOR AND HE SCREAMS IN PAIN]
DOCTOR:
(THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) Ahhh … I’ll be glad when I’ve had enough of this.
ROSE:
Doctor, are you alright? Is there anything I can do to help you?
DOCTOR:
(IN SOME PAIN) No, no, I’m fine really, I’m as fresh as a little daisy … that’s being tortured by a laser gun.
ROSE:
There’s got to be something I can do.
DOCTOR:
Create a distraction, when I say run, run … RUN!
[ROSE SPRINTS PAST THE DALEK WHO STOPS SHOOTING THE DOCTOR AND TURNS TO PURSUE HER, AS IT DOES SO THE DOCTOR RUNS UP BEHIND IT AND ATTACHES A LARGE YELLOW BOWL-LIKE BIB TO ITS HEAD. IT SWIVELS ITS EYE-STALK BUT CAN’T SEE ANYTHING.]
DOCTOR:
I picked that bib up for next to nothing … jolly good isn’t it?
DALEK:
Can’t compute, what is the point of the yellow item? Error, error. Danger, situation outside operational parameters.
DOCTOR:
It’s for cutting hair … not that it’ll be much use to you.
[THE DALEK EXPODES WHILE TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THE LOGIC BEHIND THE YELLOW BIB]
DOCTOR:
That’s the trouble with technology these days. It doesn’t last. I blame today’s throw away society. When I was a boy you used a TARDIS until it fell apart and even then you tried to mend it.
[THE LIGHT FALLS OFF THE TOP OF THE TARDIS AND ROLLS TO THE DOCTOR’S FEET]
DOCTOR:
I rest my case. (AS ROSE RUNS UP) Everything alright, cheeky monkey?
ROSE:
No it’s not, I’m scared and I’m tired and I feel like I’m going to burst into tears.
DOCTOR:
Well pull yourself together, you big girl’s blouse. Ha ha, that was a good ‘un. Come on.
[HE MOVES TOWARDS THE TARDIS]
ROSE:
Wait, where are you going now?
DOCTOR:
I’ve got something to show you, Rose Tyler. I promised I’d show you the universe, after all, but first I’m going to show you The Bill. We’ve missed the first ten minutes but we can always go back in time and see the beginning. Come on, hurry up, it’s the one where June runs around a bit and looks miserable.
[THE DOCTOR STRIDES INTO THE TARDIS HAPPILY, FOLLOWED BY A BEMUSED LOOKING ROSE. AFTER A FEW SECONDS THE BLUE POLICE BOX FADES FROM EXISTENCE.]
DOCTOR:
(O.O.V AS THE TARDIS FADES AWAY) It’ll be nice having dry towels again, do you think we can cope?
END OF EPISODE
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